The True History of Easter

Previously, I have discussed the bizarre true history behind Valentine’s Day. Now, with Easter right around the corner, I believe it is the time to lift the veil that shrouds the Easter holiday’s origins.

Some of the details provided below drastically clash with the well know Christian theology. Be assured that I have conducted extensive research and travelled the globe to speak to religious and historical experts on my topic. This being the case, I am certain of the accuracy of my findings.

So, we all now know that Christ gave his life fighting the dread lord, Valentugth, on Valentine’s Day thousands of years ago. Next, thanks to a cruel twist of fate, Christ’s soul was captured by Lucifer and sent to Hell for an eternity of torment.

Without a way to escape, Jesus found himself trapped in the fiery depths. Balrogs and foul imps prowled the malicious shadows all around our lord and savior. Blistering lava bled from the ceilings and waves of unholy fire gouted from cracks in the floor. In a last ditch effort to survive the hostile environment, Jesus entered into the meditative Angelic Trance, a state of being that created a sphere of pure solid white light that Jesus hid himself away in.

Enraged, Lucifer sent his foul minions to try and break open the globe. Balrogs pounded on the sphere with cruel hammers but nary a crack appeared. Fire was used to heat it, to cook Christ like a roast in the oven but that too failed to harm Jesus. As long as Christ’s will remained strong, each attack was doomed to fail utterly.

The hours and days that Jesus locked himself away threaded into weeks and months, but still Christ held firm, a bastion of light against the darkness. However, the conniving Lucifer knew that all he had to do was wait and eventually Christ would exhaust himself and his protective shell would finally fall.

Back on Earth, all felt Christ’s absence. Decadence and immoral behaviour spread like a cancer across the globe. One group stood apart from the debauchery though, the Hornburg Clan, a noble family of rabbits that still upheld Christ’s vision on Earth.

One night, an angel visited the heir to the Hornburg clan’s fortune in a dream. That rabbit was none other than Easter Hornburg who was well known for his staunch Christian faith. In the dream, the angel explained that Easter was needed to rescue Christ from Hell before the Angelic Trance failed.

Brave Easter awoke and immediately collected his satchel from the foot of his bed. Next, he crept into his father’s room to steal his father’s sword and shield. Once he was outfitted, Easter slipped out into the night, telling no one of his quest.

For two days, the angel led Easter across the countryside until, on a Sunday, the duo arrived at their destination. The doorway to the Underworld was nothing more than a large hole in the ground with stairs that spiraled downwards into the darkness. It was here that the angel stopped and warned Easter that it could go no further lest it alert Lucifer to its presence.

True to his nature, Easter offered no complaint and stepped into the opening. His sword flared brightly as the darkness deepened, the glare pushing away the gloom.

At the bottom of the stairs, Easter found himself at the entrance to the catacombs of Hell, a hellish maze created to trap lost souls. Prepared for this, Easter reached into his satchel and retrieved a chocolate egg that his mother had made the previous evening for the family as dessert.

He placed the egg on the ground and entered the maze. After a few meters, Easter reached into his bag and grabbed a second egg, placing it on the ground, as well. He repeated this process again and again as he painstakingly made his way through the twisted interior of the maze. When he came to a dead end, he back tracked, using the eggs as markers to the last intersection.

Hours passed and finally an exhausted Easter exited the opposite side of the catacombs. In front of him, he could see the sphere Christ had constructed, shining bright in the dark.

A great balrog was beating on the sphere with its hammer. Easter could see cracks forming in the white surface with each impact. He was almost out of time! Easter leapt forward and slew the balrog with a single stroke of his father’s sword.

As the beast fell, Christ’s Angelic Trance faltered and faded away, dropping the exhausted Jesus to the ground.

From somewhere deep in the depths, Easter heard the lord of Hell bellow. A great racket was raised in the darkness as all manner of creatures raced towards the fallen lord Jesus Christ.

Easter swept Jesus up into his arms and ran back through the catacombs using the chocolate eggs as a guide to freedom. Behind, the hounds of hell brayed in pursuit.

Through the maze, the rabbit Easter ran with Jesus in his arms. Once at the stairs, Jesus had regained enough of his strength to run under his power. Together, the two heroes fled the darkness and left Hell behind.

Under the welcome sun, a grateful Jesus offered a final thank you to Easter before ascending to Heaven to sit at God’s right hand. Easter returned home where he lived out the remainder of his days in peace.

As a final reward from God, rabbits would be forever remembered as the symbolic symbol for Christ’s resurrection on that Sunday. The chocolate eggs used in the miraculous escape live on today as part of the Easter Egg Hunt, a reimaging of Easter’s search for eggs as he fled through hell.

So when you eat a Cadbury Egg this Easter, think of brave Easter and his crusade to rescue Christ from the clutches of Lucifer in hell. I know I will!

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