Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Wrath, Envy and Pride are the capital vices in Christianity. Think of them as the seeds from which a more specific sin sprouts like a malicious weed.
The problem with this list of so-called sins is that they are terribly outdated. I think it is time to update them with a more contemporary representation. Now, I know you are waiting with baited breath so I present you my new and improved list of the Seven Deadly Sins.
1. Lust becomes Pornhub
I grew up in a time that when the feeling hit and I was feeling a bit frisky, all I had to do was grab my cell phone and look for the nearest washroom, closet, back seat of public transit, front seat of public transit, couch, abandoned house, shower, hospital room, desk, office, field, etc. We can quite literally use the internet to find whatever depraved act we want to sake our unquenchable thirst for a few meager moments before it rises anew, more powerful than ever. Thanks to Pornhub, tissues and the odd sock cannot scrub away the sin of our execrations that have forever stained our souls.
2. Gluttony becomes Costco
The first time you walk in a Costco you realize that you have become a Roman emperor and now have access to ALL of the food. No longer will you have to go to Safeway like a chump once a week. At Costco, you will be able to shop once a month and still be throwing expired food away because you simply could not eat it all.
Don’t forget, you will definitely need that thirty kilogram box of pasta noodles because it’s only seven dollars more than a bag of pasta at Safeway and you never know how many times you will want pasta in the six years it will take to consume it so you should definitely buy it. Why do we do this? Because fuck starving people.
3. Greed becomes Capitalism
You are owned property, you might as well get over that right now. The only thing that takes the sting out being property is either buying things that you don’t need or by making other people your property.
Consider the fact that the richest sixty-two people on the planet own half as much property as the entire population of Earth. “That’s okay,” we say. “I just bought the newest IPhone and it comes with seven different cameras.”
4. Sloth becomes Netflix
Netflix has become the last bastion against the adventures that wait outdoors for us. We shamble to the couch, exhausted by the energy expenditure that comes from shuttering our windows against the outside world. We spend entire weekends binge watching 15 episodes of House of Cards or Orange is the New Black. While we wait an entire year for the next season, we shuffle about without direction or purpose, complaining that there is nothing on TV.
Drooling and dull, we stare at the Netflix menu, waiting for a new show or movie to be uploaded quickly so we don’t have to deal with the reality that our children have formed a cabal in the basement to worship The Old Gods.
5. Wrath becomes Social Justice Groups
“The server at Olive Garden was so rude, she should be fired.” There is nothing quite like social justice groups. Don’t like something? Well, from the comfort and relaxation of your home you can protest any indignity that you want. Thanks to anonymity, you won’t have to educate yourself or become physically involved in the very least.
Also, by remaining anonymous, you will gain confidence in your cause. No one can judge you for racist or sexist remarks if they don’t know who you are. Your opinion will be quickly validated by thousands of other like-minded idiots, err…people. What follows your actions will overshadow actual problems in the world like gender inequality and abuse of power.
Social justice gives you the ability to immediately and emotionally respond to any perceived slight, without regard for the consequences and sometimes altering people’s lives for the worse. Isn’t that what the Internet is all about?
6. Envy becomes Facebook (or any other social media service)
Incessantly patrolling Facebook and other social media sites, we snoop into the lives of others. We hoard other people’s experiences like they were our own and measure ourselves against them. When we see something makes that makes us recognize a perceived shortcoming in our own lives, we gripe and complain, wishing that our existence could be somehow different. But do we make an effort to pursue our goals in an intelligent, planned and economically savvy way? Nope. If my best friends cousin is going buy a new $50,000 pickup truck and then post pictures of it then I better do it too because I don’t want to look like a queer or something driving around my VW Golf.
7. Pride becomes Selfies
The second that some deviant inventor said, “let’s put a camera on these things,” it was all over for us. Cell phones have damned our souls to an eternity of torment. With them, men and women alike can constantly seek validation for their physical appearance, both covertly and overtly.
“Oops, here is a pic of me on the beach, sorry my boobies take up two thirds of the frame.”
“Check it out, working out at the gym without a shirt on and I thought I should share this with you all for no reason at all. No reason whatsoever. Just chilling at the gym. LOOK AT MY BODY!”
Yes, we get it. You’re very hot. But by constantly seeking our attention you are also drawing the eyes of Satan.
I’ll save a chair for you all in hell!