Gingers: The More You Know

At one point or another in our lives, we have all seen a Ginger shambling about. Our children are taught that that the most common way identify a Ginger is through the shock of carrot-coloured hair sprouting from their heads from which they derive their namesake. The hair is most often coupled with a pale, almost translucent skin, spotted like a leopard with freckles of varying degrees of darkness.Gingers can male or female and they come in a variety of shapes and sizes, similar to human beings.

The first Ginger was not discovered until approximately 1480 B.C. when it was captured in the dead of night trying to sneak into an orphanage in Europe. The nuns who ran the establishment feared that the unsightly being was a demon and turned the Ginger over to the local authorities. Unfortunately, the local militia tried to transport the beast in the hours when the sun was at its highest and the Ginger did not survive the journey.

It is common knowledge that to sustain themselves, Gingers used to eat the souls of regular human beings. There are a myriad of myths and legends from the 1480s onward of Gingers who hid along the trails or under bridges that reside deep in forests and waylaid unaware passerby. For example, Red Riding Hood, the popular children’s story, originally contained a Ginger as the antagonist until political pressure recently forced the character to be changed to a wolf.

funny-gingers-fact-soul1A brave man, Dr. Edward Kingsolver, was the first to capture a live Ginger. He and his loyal wife Gertrude conducted experiments on the beast for months to determine its weaknesses and strengths. It was Dr. Kingsolver who discovered that Gingers were able to form a type of suction cup with their lips, which they would place on the abdomen of their victims and suck the soul from within. This research also led Dr. Kingsolver to realize that the most distinct difference between a Ginger and a human being is that Gingers do not have souls, much like a horse or dog

Dr. Kingsolver also determined that direct sunlight is usually quite lethal to Gingers, peeling the skin from their frame. When this information became public knowledge, it ultimately resulted in Gingers being hunted down and pulled from the holes in the ground in which they resided. They were then tied to a stake in a clearing, away from the safety of shadows. With nowhere to hide, the Ginger would be left in the heat of the sun until it had finally perished.

In the wake of this violence, there was a change. Feeling remorseful and concerned about the extinction of Gingers against this onslaught, Dr. Kingsolver was able to determine a way to breed the aggressive, soul-consuming tendencies out of Gingers. He created Ginger offspring who were similar to the more passive and benign Gingers as we know them today.

Armed with this new intelligence and supported by a hefty grant from a local lord, Dr. Kingsolver sent armed soldiers and mercenaries scattering to all corners of the continent and beyond. These men and women were tasked with capturing as many Gingers as possible and returning them to Dr. Kingsolver so that he may “fix” them and save their race.

Thanks to Dr. Kingsolver, Gingers no longer consume souls. Instead, Gingers of contemporary times survive on a diet of kale leaves and carrots. Despite their reduced aggression, Gingers do still possess their acute weakness to direct sunlight.

Current social justice movements would have us offer reparations and apologies to Gingers for altering them in such a severe way. Others argue that when we domesticated Gingers, we made the forests, mountains and plains of this Earth safer for all. Ultimately, the methods may have been crude but thanks to men like Dr. Kingsolver, the two species are now able to co-exist in relative harmony.

Still, most normal people who get to close to a Ginger will experience an unsettling coldness that forms in the pit of their stomach. That’s their soul, stirring in fear, unable to forget the legions of helpless souls swallowed by Gingers in the past.

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