Today, at the BioLab World Science Convention in Germany at the University of Hamburg, the scientific community stunned the world when it announced that it had discovered the much debated “cause” of homosexuality.
Speaking before a packed auditorium, Raffi Florento explained. “In previous times, it was incorrectly believed that homosexuality was merely a choice. More recently, there was significant weight behind the premise that homosexuality was a matter of genetics. However, thanks to recent advances in science and technology, we now know that is not entirely the case.”
Florento continued, “What we have discovered is that homosexuality is caused by a mixture of events. Namely, through the sharing and expression of emotions coupled with a diet that includes apples.”
With that revelation, Florento had to wait a moment for the crowd to settle before he could continue. “According to our findings, apples contain a trigger called Gayglcyrin. Gayglcyrin causes our brain to produce a hormone that encourages same-sex relations. However, this alone is not enough to facilitate full homosexuality within the individual. Within one hour of consumption, the individual must also express himself or herself emotionally. If the body releases Serotonin and Oxytocin during this period of time, homosexuality results.”
Following his initial report on his discovery, Florento was asked if there was a way to inhibit the homosexuality triggers in apples. “Eat a banana, avocado or sweet potato.” Florento offered to the crowd. “We’ve found that increasing the levels of potassium in the human blood stream has shown to reduce the effects of apples on the sexuality of individuals.”
“It can be an apple by itself or it can be your mother’s apple crumble or a sweet caramel apple from the fair. It doesn’t matter. Even apple flavoured treats like apple Tootsie Pops or apple Jolly Ranchers can and will trigger homosexual urges.”
In parts of North America and Europe, religious groups called for the ban of all fruits. “You just can’t be certain,” argued one irate mother. “If apples can turn my kids gay then what are oranges doing, or pineapples for that matter? It’s better to stay away from all fruits and just avoid the problem all together. I can’t trust nature anymore.”
When asked about how he felt about the findings, Florento shrugged and said, “it explains why I like apples so much.”