How to Survive the Apocalypse

Despite being incapable of living my adult life with anything resembling a mature and well thought out career path, I have somehow found the time to relentlessly plan for the apocalypse. Perhaps due to my unwavering commitment to anxiety or my inability to focus on the present, I have compiled a satisfactory number of items that I am certain that I will need in our dark future.

Using the time at my disposal as I wait for the end of days, I have created a simple list that I have used to mentally prepare myself. I expect that the motivated survivor could make excellent use of it, as well. If I can convince you to commit to this survivalist ideology, I can assure you that you will increase your odds of survival(ish).

1.Know Your Neighbours

Those closest to you may present the most dangerous threat. Knowing which of your neighbors is most likely to become a blood thirsty cannibal of the nuclear wasteland will be of pivotal importance to your survival. It is better to trust no one. Even valued friends may one day try to kill you for the toothpaste in your backpack. You want a friend? Get a dog. Although, the dog may also try to eat you.

2.Bring a Book

When not slaying marauding bands of pirates or rescuing beautiful (and appreciative) maidens from the clutches of mutated bears you will need something to pass the time. I recommend reading. It makes you look contemplative, mysterious and, most importantly, trustworthy. A guy with a book is a guy you can trust, unless, it happens to be a recipe book for cooking human beings. You probably can’t trust that person.

3.Ride Solo


The coolest heroes take on the world alone. Robocop, Mad Max, Denzel Washington from Book of Eli, The Man With No Name from the Sergio Leone Spaghetti Westerns, they all were at their most intimidating when they kept to themselves. The aura of menace that one can create as sole wanderer walking into a dusty town far overrides the alleged necessity for having human contact.

4.Set Aside Your Pride

It won’t always be excitement and adventures when the world finally ends, I can promise that there will be tough times too. You might be forced to eat disgusting and foul things just to survive this inhospitable new world. Expect to dig through heaps of garbage and rot just to find something to eat.

Also, there will come the time when your body has certain physical “longings” that will need to be sated. You can either take care of these urges yourself or you can find comfort in the arms of another. However, be warned that while most of the towns you come across in your travels will have a brothel of sorts, you will find that their carnal offerings will likely smell and appear similar to the rotten food you will be sometimes forced to eat. A strong stomach is recommended.

5.Create a Gruff and Tough Persona

Everyone loves a tough and unapproachable character. He is the guy that sits in the back of a gloomy bar, cloaked in shadow, his hat tilted low over his face. The only time he moves is to take a drink of beer. He emanates an oppressively sexy sense of danger and daring. He is not to be trifled with.

This is the person you want to become. The first step of this path is to find a loved one in the early days, just after the apocalypse has begun. Then, anger a group of hillbilly bikers who then subsequently kill your loved one.

You are then free to pursue the bikers across the desolate frontier and exact a revenge so terrible that it destroys your psyche. This will render you unable to form complex human relationships or even communicate beyond guttural grunts of affirmation thus completing your transformation.

Your future home?


Good luck!

I hope this list gets you started on your path to survival. Further information can be gathered from a bevy of sources such as popular television shows, movies and video games. Just remember, if I see you wandering the barren wastes, I’m going to try and take your stuff.





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