Netflix Shocker

Surprise and outrage today when it came to light that Reed Hastings, the CEO of Netflix, is

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NEW YORK CITY – FEB 22: Hastings explains how the Thylgergans learned to bend space and time to travel astronomical distances in a matter of minutes.

actually a Thylgergan, a member of an alien race from a nearby star system who came to Earth with the hope of saving humanity.

“Human beings have been siphoning off the resources on this planet at an alarming rate.” Hastings said earlier today at a news conference in New York City. “In an effort to curb productivity and motivation, I created Netflix as a means of distracting humanity from self destruction.” Citing numerous PowerPoint slides, Hastings when on to demonstrate that since the last season of House of Cards was released, the rate of destruction of the rain forests has dropped as much as seventy percent in different regions across the globe.

When confronted by several of the reporters in the room about the nature of his people, Hastings offered this, “Thylgergans are a peaceful species that are traveling the cosmos searching for other like-minded beings.”

According to Hastings, he came across a radio message from Earth in the depths of space. At first, Hastings was optimistic about what he would find here. However, when Hastings arrived, he saw a problem. Luckily, he also saw an opportunity.

“I saw confusion and aggression, you all had too much time on your hands” Hastings recalled. “But I also saw complete and utter dependence on what you call televisions for entertainment or information. I recognized that if I could distract you with a cheap but entertaining product for long enough, I might be able to keep you from killing each other and save your planet.”

Outside the news conference, some were angry at the revelation. Right-wing political figure Todd Phelps spoke to an adoring crowd at a nearby political rally. “I don’t know what you all think but I know for a fact that he (Hastings) is an illegal immigrant. He should be sent home.” When asked about Hastings’ concern for the environment and climate change, Phelps replied that the idea of climate change was nothing more than leftist propaganda.

Hastings also cautioned that he was not the only alien race to have come to Earth. He warned that several years ago, a group of the reportedly war-like Swryven, had arrived on Earth and subsequently formed Fox News. The Swryven leader, Roger Ailes, took his place at the head of the news powerhouse. Of the Swryven, Hastings had this to say. “They are bent on misinformation and inciting the population through fear campaigns. Their goal is the creation of a frightened populace who is more willing to accept whatever falsehoods or half-truths are fed to them by Ailes and the Swryvens.”

2006 Summer TCA Day 15
NEW YORK CITY – FEB 22: Ailes threatening to consume the young first.

When confronted with these allegations, Ailes countered empathically. “Hastings is obviously a socialist bent on undermining the key values of America. He is no different from the terrorists and homosexuals (emphasis intended) that are constantly attacking the borders of American morality.

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