Gym tips

Going to the gym can be great for your health and peace of mind. However, the gym is a social environment that demands from its population a very specific manner by which a person must conduct himself or herself. To ease understanding and because I don’t really feel a whole lot like writing I have provided a simple list of important, never to be forgotten rules for the gym.

1.Grunt like you are making love

We’re having so much fucking fun!

I want to be able to hear your moans from across the gym. There is nothing quite like the sweet serenade of gym goers gasping in ecstasy as they curl, press and/or lift weights. If I have to look over at you to make certain that you are not engaged in some sort of amorous activity then you are doing it right.



2.Offer advice

Do you go to the gym? Do you have a job and/or education completely unrelated to fitness, aerobics, and kinesthetic movement or otherwise? If you possess a few of these qualities, then you are qualified to offer advice to complete strangers at the gym. Don’t just stand there as someone does something that you read on a blog one time that is bad for his or her biceps. Be noticed! If this someone has headphones in, approach until you are standing close enough that they can feel your breath on their skin. If they are utilizing a mirror while they exercise, make eye contact with them until they are forced to stop due fear that you may be a vengeful spirit. Regardless of how you do it, when you finally have their attention, make sure to explain that your years of experience with “lifting things” preempt any knowledge that they might have. Alternatively, you could take the subtle route and offer a condescending headshake from across the gym and tell your friend, rather loudly, “that guy is totally doing it wrong!” Either way works.

3.Gym attire

I have previously covered male gym attire in a different article (see “How to Man”) so I will keep this brief. Guys can keep it simple with sleeveless shirts adorned with slogans and

Notice the track pants?

tribal patterns. A plain pair of shorts is adequate for the lower half of the body (if you don’t work out your leg muscles, wear track pants so as to hide your shame).

Girls, on the other hand, should dress in tight form fitting clothes. Contrary to popular belief, women do not dress this way for comfort and freedom of movement. Women dress this way at the gym so that prospective mates can recognize that this woman is sending a message that she wishes to be approached and seduced. This is quite literally the only reason women go to the gym.

4.Wipe the equipment

I’m certain that I don’t need to tell grown adults that if you are sweating and grunting all over something you should probably give it a cursory wipe when you are done. Treat the gym equipment the same as you treat your sex toys. This point comes from my partner constantly referring to my “dick hands” when I leave the gym. No, isn’t some phallic deformation that I possess, although that might be interesting to imagine. Instead, this phrase actually comes from perception she has that others are fondling their genitals and then using the gym equipment. Apparently, when I use this crotch-ridden device and these so-called dick bacteria travel to my hands, leading to the eloquent term “dick hands”. I find this idea a little bit unnerving. How many dicks have I unwilling touched? Also, women use the machines too so I’m not sure why my partner doesn’t ever call them “vagina hands”.

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