Valentine’s Day

Aaah, Valentines Day, the bane of lonely and sad people throughout the world. There is nothing quite like having your own personal misery crammed down your throat when wherever you look you see happy couples celebrating their love through the giving of chocolates, roses and cards.

What’s that? Oh, you want me to explain how Valentines Day came to be? I can do that. The history of Valentines Day is not well known but I will do my best to explain it in a clear and concise manner.

It was on the 14th of February, over two thousand years ago, that our lord and savior, JesusHenry Christ gave his life for us. His sacrifice placated the Old God, Valentugth, he of despair and madness, so that the rest of humanity could be spared ten thousand more years of darkness under Valentugth’s reign.

Artist’s conception of Christ facing Valentugth on February 14th

Now, in paying respect to Christ, we honor him by giving our loved ones a gift on Valentine’s Day. Here is an interesting note, the holiday wasn’t always called Valentines Day. In fact, merely fifty short years ago, the holiday still held its original name of Valentugth’s Day as a reminder to all of humanity of what Christ did for us on February 14th.

I must caution that there is a second and equally important reason to the giving of gifts on Valentines Day. The legend goes that if we fail to give gifts on February 14th, Valentugth will rise again and ten thousand years of darkness will begin anew. This contributes greatly to understating why Valentine’s Day has become one of the busiest shopping days of the year, second only to Christmas. At stores and restaurants across the globe, people are doing their part to keep the Old God and his minions of evil in the shadows.

How can you help? Tell someone important to you that you care with a box of chocolates or a kind note in a store bought card. Thankfully, your expression of love doesn’t have to be authentic; by merely giving any arbitrary gift to someone, you can keep Valentugth at bay.


Of course it goes without saying that there are those among us who are unloved or unlovable. I cannot overstate just how great a risk to the future of humankind these people present. There is a rumor that years ago, in an attempt to rectify this matter, a special section of the Catholic Church created the Cupid Corp. These brave warriors were trained from birth to seek out and eliminate the lonely and isolated, usually killing the person with an arrow to the heart. The contemporary image of a plump cherub with angel wigs bearing a bow is drawn from this noble history.

So, on Valentines Day, please remember to show your loved ones that you care. For it is only through the expression of love in a materialistic fashion that we can successful stave off the arrival of Valentugth.

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