Here comes a hero

Let’s face it. There is a crime happening right now in your neighborhood. Maybe someone is breaking into your garage or perhaps they are feeding your dog copious amounts of grapes. Whatever it is, you need is a hero and I happen to know one. It’s me. I am the hero you need.

Before you scoff at the idea, let’s think about it. I have many excellent qualities that would make me the perfect hero. For example, I possess an inflated sense of self-righteousness that enables me to dispense justice with confidence and impunity. Also, I can expedite the legal process. Since I am police, judge, jury and executioner all rolled into one, I have removed the months of waiting that the victims of crime must suffer through when seeking closure.

I can see that you are intrigued now. Would it help if I informed you that I am a master of no less than six martial arts, including two that haven’t yet been discovered? Also, I would be remiss if I did not mention that I am proficient in both edged weapons and Bo staffs. Thanks to my masterful skill set, I must contend with a steady stream of jealousy  from municipal law enforcement. Do not be mistaken, I don’t perform this solemn duty for praise or fame. No, I execute this mission because the public needs me.

At my disposal, I have a vast library of knowledge. I have gone to the best community colleges and weekend seminars in the area to perfect my abilities. Thanks to this extensive experience, I know what a criminal is going to do before he or she does it. If a criminal somehow escapes my grasp, it is because I allowed it to happen. I am infallible in my quest for absolute justice.

Part of being a hero is being unafraid in any situation. To achieve freedom from fear, I have learned to suppress my amygdala through sheer willpower alone. I have not expressed fear in seven years, which is two years longer than the world record. I do not tell you this to achieve acclaim but so that you may set your remaining doubts aside.

I consider my costume to be a uniform and I wear it with pride. I respect and care for it, like a mother for her child. A hero is known by his brand and I display mine proudly, for all to see. My presence calms the weak and afraid. Like a beacon, it draws the hurt and lost to its light where I can provide comfort. This uniform is a privilege that few have ever obtained and I am honoured to wear it upon my breast.

Who am I? I am a security guard.

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