How to Man

As what could be called the finest representation of what it is to be a man, I find myself with a unique opportunity to pass on some of my wisdom. Therefore, I believe this might be an opportune time to share just a few tips with the rest of you fellas on how to excel at manliness and all other things man. Please note that this is not a comprehensive list. There is simply too much on the subject to contain it all within these pages. Instead, this will be a reduced composite of some of the most important features, presented in a simple format to ease understanding.

Step 1: Always skip leg day

The gym is the most important place for you to reach your optimal potential in becoming a true man. I going to repeat it because this is important, the gym is the most important place for you to reach your optimal potential in becoming a true man. It all starts when you do. Enter the gym like a warrior, sway your shoulders and let everyone know that you are not to be trifled with. If anyone is foolish enough to look at you, impose your will upon them with the most intense stare-down you can muster.

For apparel, I recommend anything with words like, “Beast Mode” or images of skulls and tribal patterns commonly found on MMA clothing.

Now, for your workout I recommend a five day a-week routine consisting of:

Day 1: Arms

Day 2: Arms

Day 3: Arms

Day 4: Arms

Day 5: Chest and Back

I am sure you have noticed that there is no leg day. That is because winners (AKA men) don’t do leg day. You don’t need leg muscles to attract women anyway. What women want are burly arms around them while you dance in the club, not cumbersome thigh muscles. You can’t intimidate some guy by doing squats but you can certainly make him run for the hills when you start curling eighties as your warmup set.



While you are working out, remember to grunt loud and proud with each rep. There is no point in curling all that weight if you are not going to make people look at you. Then, when you are finished your reps, don’t place but instead slam the weights back on the rack. Roar like the beast that you are so that everyone around you knows what you have just accomplished.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Remember that after each set, you have a thirty second rest where you should flex in front of mirror and snap some sic selfies to put on Facebook later. 

Step 2: Tailor your clothing to accentuate your highly developed upper body

If you are going to grow big biceps then you better be ready to show them off to the rest of the world. Buy all of your clothing at least two sizes to small. You should have armpit hair coming out of the sleeve opening if you have purchased smart. Anything that you already own that is too big should be taken in to a tailor as soon as possible. If the tailor can’t make the sleeves any smaller, throw those potato sack shirts out and start over.


As previously pointed out, your clothing should be adorned with as many skulls and tribal symbols as possible. Try to accessorize with a pair of sunglasses and a gold chain. Bigger is always better so don’t be afraid to go large.

IMPORTANT NOTE: The more money you spend on your clothing, the better you are. Don’t spare any expense when it comes to outfitting yourself with the finest clothes. 

Step 3: Repress and express feelings in the right way

Now that we have covered your rugged exterior, it is time to focus on your inner workings. I want you to take anything remotely resembling fear, sadness, empathy, happiness and love and I want you to bury those feelings deep down in your gut. Forget about them. I don’t care if it hurts, I don’t care if you get stressed out and all those buried emotions become a fist-sized cancerous tumor on the side of your liver. Men don’t show those emotions and I won’t bother with someone who does. Any real man worth his weight in salt only has two emotions, anger and aggression.

By now, you have probably dumped enough bull shark testosterone in your body that you have difficulty regulating your remaining emotions. That’s okay; it’s healthy to express yourself properly. For example, if you’re in the food court and you catch someone looking in your general direction, it is okay to initiate a confrontation. To do otherwise seriously conflicts with the male persona you are trying to assert yourself as.

When you walk up to this person who looked at you, make sure you puff up your chest. Stick your arms out to the side so that your muscles are plainly visible. Challenge your new foe immediately with, “what’s your problem, bro’?” Whatever you do, don’t give him the advantage by letting him try to avoid a fight. When he is suitably cowed by your presence it is then appropriate to engage him with violence.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Real men don’t back down from fights so ensure that you always have a group of friends nearby to “restrain” you from fighting should your opponent appear to be unmoved by your threats. Don’t, under any circumstances, engage in a fight that you could lose. Losing a fight is widely regarded as a death blow to the perception of you as a man.

4) Eat meat!

Maintaining your excellent physique takes fuel. Men are biologically required to eat meat and you need to consume vast, bloody quantities of it to maintain your muscle. If it’s green and it’s on your plate, discard it. You don’t need that.

Meat is what powers you, not vegetables. At least seventy-five percent of your plate should belong to the meat protein portion. Anything else and you might as well as not bother. The remainder of your plate should go to carbs.

               Chow down

The manliest way to obtain meat is to kill it by yourself. Men naturally possess the ability to hunt so don’t let that go to waste. Suit up, grab some beers and your rifle and look after your own needs. A real man doesn’t count on anyone else to provide for him.

If the unlikely event arises where you have enough meat in your freezer at home then it is time to go trophy hunting. Nothing screams, “I’m a man” quite like killing an animal from a mile away with a high-powered rifle. Men need trophies and hammering your dead and stuffed conquests on the living room wall is a reminder to every woman that enters your home that you are a provider.

IMPORTANT NOTE: If out with friends at a restaurant, ensure that you speak at a volume that makes it possible for others on the other side of the room to hear what you have to say.

5) Remember that women are objects to be won

All of this effort you have put in to becoming the ultimate man is for one purpose, obtaining the attention of a woman. The best place to hunt for women is usually at a club as large groups of them assemble like animals at the watering hole. All that is left is for you to do is separate one from the herd.

                        He is doing it right

Once you have approached a woman, don’t take no for an answer. Also, sometimes women will claim that they are just out “to have a good time” and are not looking for company. This is false. They wouldn’t be dressed like that if they didn’t want some attention, am I right?

Regardless, if you find yourself running into a brick wall with her, remember that women are easy to impress and it shouldn’t be any problem for you to change her mind if you say the right things. You could, for example, share with her some anecdotes from your time at the gym. You could tell her about that time you and your gym buddies jumped a guy outside the bar one night after he spilled a drink on your shirt. Whatever it is you tell her about (hint: how much money you make), make certain that you are the central figure in the story. Don’t give her any reason to think that someone else might be more interesting.

It is pivotal you don’t ask her any questions about herself. This is about you, not her. Of course, she is obviously already in to you; you don’t need to learn anything more about her outside of what she wants to drink.

If you have played your cards right and have acted accordingly then you should have a companion for the evening. If you have done everything as I have instructed and she still won’t relent in her refusal to have sex with you, don’t worry about it. You cannot account for other people’s stupidity.

I wish you good luck,

I hope these five easy to understand steps help you achieve great things. Stick to these simple tricks and you will be the manliest man that ever manned in no time.

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