Beware Beautiful People

Don’t even try to deny it. Beautiful people are terrifying. Think about it. Vibrant smiles filled with perfectly aligned teeth. Symmetrical facial features, thick and luxurious hair, toned and muscular bodies with flawless skin. Doesn’t that sound absolutely horrifying? Of course it does, every little bit of it.

If you inadvertently get too close to a beautiful person, try to take a deep breath. As an ugly person, this is the worst possible situation to be in. It is akin to when you meet a bear in the woods. In that frightening situation, you are supposed to make noise and make your presence obvious. It is the total opposite if you come across a beautiful person. In this situation, you must try to make yourself as small as possible. Try hunching a bit, draw your shoulders up to your ears and stare intently at your feet. If for some reason the beautiful person speaks to you, whatever you do, do not answer! You’ll only helplessly stammer some idiotic comment under the glare of their unrelenting beauty.

Pro-Tip: Your silence may actually help your physical shortcomings become less pronounced because you will suddenly become “mysterious.” This has been validated in numerous experimental studies.

Let’s face it; there is no point in trying to ignore the fact that you automatically look much, much, more ugly next to this godly creature. The best thing you can do is to try to not draw any further attention and embarrassment to yourself. Alternatively, you could bring a friend who is more ugly than you. This will help you avoid direct comparisons to the beautiful people. Also, it would be good to emotionally prepare yourself for the likely event that a passerby may stop and ask the beautiful person “is this guy bothering you?” Try not to be offended at this but understand that your mere presence is an affront to anyone of a more favorable appearance.

Now that you have some general know-how of how to blend in with beautiful people, it is time to reveal the truth about their kind. Beautiful people are not beautiful because they are lucky, or because of genetic predisposition, hard work, training smart and eating right. No, they are beautiful because they have learned an ancient dark art that allows them to gain physical beauty from causing misery and pain. With that in mind, know that beautiful people are a malicious lot and they have perfected their dark craft over thousands of years. They are wise and experienced in their ways. Beautiful people will constantly set traps for the unsuspecting wherever they go. So, in an effort to increase your chances of survival, here are some of the more common traps. Follow the provided simple tips and you should be fine.

  1. The Gym Attire: This one is common and almost always fatal. Often, beautiful people will wear eye-catching and form-fitting clothing that affectionately hugs their every curve. This clothing may also be smaller and expose more skin than you are legally allowed to expose as an ugly person. Be very careful because beautiful people will wear this clothing in close proximity to you. If you glance at them, for even a second, they will immediately sense your stare and fix you with an icy glare that is sure to seize your heart. Once pinned by their gaze, beautiful people will use their magic to eradicate any confidence in your body, thereby rendering you useless for the remainder of your life.
  1. The Friend Zone: I cannot overstate how dangerous this situation is. To maintain their exquisite appearance, attractive people must feast upon the life force of someone who is hopelessly infatuated with them. This requires that the beautiful person have prey that is suffering from prolonged periods of yearning for the beautiful person. The beautiful person then spurns the advances of a less attractive mate by putting them in “the friend zone”. When that happens, the beautiful person absorbs a tiny portion of that person’s life force. Some beautiful people have perfected this and can maintain a friend zone for a lifetime.
  1. The “I Can’t Open This Jar” Trap: This situation can have a severe effect on groups. If you have a group of sub-average or average looking individuals, they can usually coexist with little to no problems. When a beautiful person inserts themselves into the midst of this same group, a problem arises. The beautiful person, looking to destroy the strong social ties of the group will find a seemingly simple task. In this case, let us presume it is a jar of pickles. In full view of the less attractive people, the beautiful person will try and open the jar. No matter how much they twist, they will appear to be unable to open it. Next, the beautiful person will say, “I can’t open this jar, is there anyone here who can help me?” Instantly, members of the group who previously got along will fall on each other in savage violence. People will tear each other apart to be able to be the one who assists the beautiful person with opening the jar. The survivor, upon opening the jar, will expect some sort of reward for their efforts. The beautiful person will lead the person on with tiny tidbits of a reward to breed dependency. Unfortunately, this trap usually leads into the aforementioned friend zone. The lucky ones usually die first.                                                                                             Pro-Tip: The jar is just one example. Other variations of this trap include but are not limited to, “I can’t start my car,” and ”When does the next bus come?”

With expanded knowledge comes survival. Be smart. If you observe a beautiful person in your area, maintain a safe distance and do not make eye contact. Avoid common meeting grounds for beautiful people such as bars, gyms and restaurants. If possible, maintain friendship with a steady stream of people with an unfortunate appearance.

Remember, forewarned is forearmed!

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